Fungal Frolix

by Steve Netzman

In our last episode (02/2004),

Fungoland certainly had its share of odd characters. And somehow, they all gravitated to Gus’ Place in town. First there was a Stinkhorn, who dissolved a couple of Gus’ comely customers with his …ahem… aroma before finding true love elsewhere. Then there was a trio of Gus’ regulars –an Old-Man-of- the-Woods, a Giant Puffball and an Earthstar –who found their own callings (the Puffball’s being in the “hereafter”) and never returned to Gus’ Place. Finally, there was the Psathyrella who got arrested at Gus’ and hadn’t been seen since.

These commotions and departures took a toll on Gus’ business, leading him into apparently dire straits. His spirits flagging, he became –as the Stinkhorn once told him-- not a fun Gus, but a glum Gus. At night, after closing, he could usually be found pouring over his books at the back of the bar. Droplets of sweat beaded on his pileus as his margin turned red. The conclusion was inescapable. Gus’ Place was going under.

“Your Honor, the jury finds the defendant guilty.”

The Conclusion was Inescapable. Gus’ Place Was Going Under.

Gus recalled earlier and leaner days, when he tried to make a living scratching the soil. But Fungoland had experienced some kind of drought at the time and a lot of his friends seemed to just drift away with the dry wind. Well, Gus was a tough old Agrocybe dura, and his friends thought he was “cracked in the head” for staying, but he sure set his roots in Fungoland. He also hated going dry, so he took what little money he had left and opened up Gus’ Place, featuring “The Beer that Made Fungoland Famous,” Spores Light. Now he shuddered at the thought of having again to forage the forest floor for a living. The only thing left was to tell his customers. So the next night he rang the bar’s bell.

“Loyal patrons, I have an announcement!”

Fungi went quiet and gave him attention.

“I’m sorry to tell you that I’m going to have to close the bar.”

I’m Going to Have to Close the Bar”

This announcement was met with astonishment and disbelief.
“ No! How could that be? But this is the only bar in town!”

Gus dismissed these objections with a wave and went on. “Gus’ Place is losing money. I don’t know what else to do.”

“We’ll think of something,” offered one voice from the crowd. Others joined in, summoning up their confidence, “Yeah, we’ll think of a way to save the bar.”

So some of Gus’ regulars, motivated by the possibility of losing their favorite watering hole, met the next day. Dedicated bar flies that they were, they brought along plenty of Spores Light to stimulate the creative juices. They considered a number of the usual suggestions: contributions, raffles, even a mechanical bull. But all these ideas met with a less than enthusiastic response. Finally, one of the still sober participants stood up and snapped his fingers. “How about a talent contest? We’ll call it…let’s see… Fungoland Idol!”

“How About a Talent Contest?...Fungoland Idol!”

(To Be Continued...)

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