Fungal Frolix

by Steve Netzman

In our last episode (11/2004),

The Prosecutor and Defense Counsel for Psathyrella (Psathy) Epimyces sparred over the issue of parasitism: whether she was some sort of benign fungus and innocently involved in Lady (Shaggy) Mane's death, or was indeed a parasite and guilty of fungicide. The Defense Counsel even tried to promote the benefits of being parasitized, showcasing a Lobster mushroom in the role of grateful victim. To counter this, the Prosecutor presented the example of a devastated Aborted Entoloma. And in the course of the Prosecutor’s examination, Psathy was caught misrepresenting herself —first as a saprophyte, living off the estate of a deceased Shaggy Mane, then as a mycorrhizal benefactor of green plants. The Prosecutor easily fended off both these ploys.

In this episode, the trial has come to closing arguments, leaving the Prosecutor feeling confident and the Defense Counsel feeling somewhat uneasy. The judge instructed the jury and sent them out to deliberate. We find them now returning.

Judge: “Has the jury reached a verdict?”

Jury Foreman: “Yes your honor, we have.”

Judge: “Then how find you the defendant?”

“Your Honor, the jury finds the defendant guilty.”

Jury Foreman: “Your honor, on the charge of parasitism, the jury finds the defendant guilty. And on the charge of fungicide, the jury finds the defendant guilty as well.”

“You are sentenced to be saute-ed in the electric skillet.“

A collective gasp rose from the courtroom. The Defense Counsel gulped. Later, at sentencing, the judge, speaking in solemn tones, declared that he had no choice but to call for a capital sentence in what he termed “fungicide, aggravated by parasitism.” Turning to Psathy, he pronounced “You are sentenced to be sauté-ed in the electric skillet until golden brown.”

This time a hush fell over the courtroom, broken when the Defense Counsel called out to the judge, “we’ll appeal!”

“She passed by a hooded figure standing in the doorway.

Later, as guards escorted Psathy to her prison cell, she passed by a hooded figure standing in the doorway with a skillet in her hand. Over the door hung a sign: “Mushroom Cookery.” The apparition made Psathy shudder.

The scene now shifts to Fungoland’s Court of Appeals, where the Defense Counsel is presenting his case. This judge, Hon. Stropharia Ambigua, seemed to him to have a softer disposition than the trial judge.

Defense: “… [Psathy] didn’t actually kill her benefactor, Shaggy Mane, She didn’t know she was using up all of Lady Mane’s sustenance. And there are extenuating circumstances. Her school mates used to taunt her, calling her ‘Parasiticus’ instead of ‘Epimyces’. “Furthermore,” he reasoned, ”Psathyrella has no culinary value. Her death would serve no purpose.”

Well, the Defense Counsel guessed right this time, and Judge Ambigua changed the sentence to life in “the Dark House” without the possibility of parole.

We later find Psathy getting acquainted with Fungoland’s Dark House. She had trouble seeing the other inmates and moved gingerly to avoiding bumping into them. Suddenly she felt something underfoot, which elicited a screeching rebuke. “Hey sister, get off my foot!” Startled, Psathy jumped back. An Omphalotus Olearius approached to see what the commotion was all about and shone an eerie green light on a Fat-Footed Clitocybe glaring menacingly at Psathy.

Psathy apologized meekly. “I’m sorry. It’s just so dark in here.”

Sensing trouble, a Clitocybe Gigantea stepped in between them.

Sensing trouble, a Clitocybe Gigantea stepped in between them, foiling Psathy’s would-be attacker. Gigantea certainly looked like nobody to mess with. She turned to Psathy. “Hi. You new around here?”

“ Yes, I just got in.”

Pressing further, Gigantea asked, “So what are you in for?”

“ Well, they said I’m a parasite and some fungus died …” answered Psathy, trying to put on a good face.

“Aw, that’s a shame,” offered Gigantea, “but that’s nothin’. Now take those Amanita sisters over there,” she motioned to some place in the dark behind her, “they’re real killers!”

Feeling a little more at ease, Psathy related that she was a little hungry and asked, “So what’ve they got to eat around here today?

“Same thing they got every day,” replied Gigantea, “horse manure.”

—The End—

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