In our last episode...

In a previous episode, Psathyrella Epimyces had been charged with parasitism and fungicide in the death of her benefactor, Lady (Shaggy) Mane. Sitting in Gus’ Place, a local drinking emporium, she implicated herself by telling another patron, a Waxy Cap, how she lived carefree in the domicile of Lady Mane. Shortly thereafter, by coincidence, a pair of Fungoland’s Schlerodermal cops came in and arrested her. She retained an attorney, L. (Lactarius) Representaneus, who was unable to secure her release and was now defending her in court. The Prosecutor, L. (Lactarius) Controversus, delivered his opening statement.

“Fungi of Fungoland! Crimes have been committed in your midst.”

Prosecutor: “Fungi of Fungoland! Crimes have been committed in your midst. Psathyrella Epimyces deliberately parasitized Lady Shaggy Mane, depriving her of what she needed—food and water—to live. Epimyces herself bragged that she got everything from Lady Mane and didn’t have to earn her own living. We have a witness (pointing to the Waxy Cap) who will testify to this.

Furthermore, Lady Mane ultimately succumbed to this deprivation, suffering a gruesome and untimely death. We have spore prints and pictures of the body and let me tell you it is not a pretty sight. Under our law, Epimyces committed fungicide and it is a capital crime. Fungoland will seek the maximal punishment.”

A collective gasp emanated from the courtroom. Counsel for the Defense is in the middle of rebuttal:

Defense: “…the defense contends that no crime was committed. That Lady Shaggy Mane openly and, in the past, willingly supported Psathyrella and enjoyed her company. We also contend Lady Mane’s decomposition was common in her family, the Coprinaceae, leading to her natural death. We ask that Psathyrella be found innocent of all charges and forthwith released.

Prosecutor: “Well Miss Epimyces, your counsel said you are not a parasite, not living off Lady Mane and eventually killing her. Is that true?”

Psathy (fidgeting nervously): “Yes. I am not a parasite and well…Shaggy was already gone when I showed up. That’s right. I just moved in after she died.” Her Defense Counsel winced upon hearing the testimony. Things were not going well.

Prosecutor: “So that makes you a saprophyte, right? Living off the deceased.”

Psathy: “That’s right. I’m a saprophyte and Shaggy was already dead.”

Prosecutor (slapping a sheaf of papers on the witness stand): “But this report from your arrest shows that you were surprised to learn that Lady Mane was dead!” Defense Counsel felt more pangs of anxiety.

Psathy (fidgeting and squirming in her seat): “Well I…well…”

Prosecutor, satisfied with his examination, announced, “No further questions at this time.”

Defense then bounded up from his chair and attempted damage control. “But Psathyrella…er…Psathy, isn’t it true that you help plants and other living things grow? That you nurture them and bring them food? Sort of …mycorrhizal?” While he was asking, he was discretely nodding his head up and down, coaching her to say yes.

Psathy: “Umm, yes that is true. I take a little but I give back more.”

Defense breathed a sigh of relief that she took the hint. He finished what he thought was an altogether satisfactory cross-examination and let the judge dismiss her from the stand. But, sensing another opening, the Prosecutor soon called her back.

Prosecutor: “So, now you’re mycorrhizal are you? Not a parasite at all?!” he asked sarcastically.

Psathy: “Yes, I help plants grow.”

Prosecutor: “I would remind the jury that plants are not our kind, and they live in an entirely different kingdom. But anyway”, he said turning to Psathy, ”aren’t you supposed to work down in the dirt, down to their roots?”

Psathy: “I…I guess so,” she stammered.

Prosecutor (waving the report in front of Psathy): “Then let me read from your arrest record.” “The Waxy Cap asked you, ’You don’t work at all but live off … Lady Shaggy Mane?’”

“You answered, ‘That’s right. Besides, work would be so hard on my beautiful nails.’ “

Then the Prosecutor asked her innocently, ”Why don’t you show us those beautiful nails, Psathy?”

“Why don’t you show us those beautiful nails, Psathy?”

Psathy proudly held up her hands for all to see.

Her Defense Counsel quietly groaned while spectators and the jury admired her lovely hands and nails unmarked by toil.

A number of other witnesses were paraded in by both attorneys. The attorneys seemed locked on the issue of parasitism. Defense Counsel called Hypomyces (“Lobster”) Lactifluorum to the stand. Spectators and jury were all agog over this dapper fungus. Here is some of his direct examination:

Spectators and jury was all agog over this dapper fungus.

Defense: “So, Mr. Lactifluorum, would you tell us how you’ve changed since you encountered a so-called parasite?”

H. Lactifluorum: Well, for one, I used to be an undistinguished white Russula. So I changed my name. But I’ve also taken on color and now I am very distinguished looking, don’t you think?” The jury unanimously nodded in agreement. “Fungi say I cut quite a figure and that I’ve even acquired good taste,” he continued.”

The Prosecutor afterwards called Entoloma Abortivum to the stand. Spectators, the jury and the judge (an Entoloma himself) were all aghast. The apparition looked like parasitism at its worst. The examination by the Prosecutor:

Spectators, the jury, and the Judge were all aghast.

Prosecutor (looking uneasy himself): “Mr. Abortivum, can you tell the court how parasitism has affected you?”

E. Abortivum: “I’ll try. Well, I used to be a respectable Armillaria Mellea…”

Here Defense interrupted, “Objection! I believe Mr. Mellea was himself a parasite and hardly respectable, killing oak trees and all that!” Prosecutor countered this objection, arguing that Mellea committed no crime, since oaks were not fungi but were, again, plants living in another kingdom. The Judge overruled Defense’s objection without comment.

E. Abortivum: “As I was saying, I used to be respectable, but look at me now! Since that Entoloma got a hold of me I’ve become a pariah!” I used to be trim with a beautiful tan and now I’m just sickly white, lumpy and out-of-shape. Fungi say nasty things about me, like how I once had good taste and now I only have dubious taste at best.” “Woe is me,” wailed the poor fungus. A sentiment he could have shared with poor Psathy and her Counsel.

(To Be Continued…)