Fungal Frolix
By Steve Netzman

In our last episode...

Georgie Geastrum and his buddy, Calvatia (Cal) Gigantia were bemoaning the fact that they were rejected by the army for being out of shape. They commiserated at Gus’ Place with “Straw” Bill Floccopus –an old soldier who advised them to enlist in the first place. Then along came Tawny Grisette – a shapely aerobics instructor –who promised to get them in shape.

In this episode, Cal gulped down the food he had been chewing while thinking of how to reply to Tawny. Finally he stammered nervously, “S…s..so you c...can get us in shape s…s..so we can join the army?”

“Well…I can get you in shape,” replied Tawny hesitatingly, “but I can’t promise you can join the army.”

But that was good enough for Cal, and Georgie nodded his head in approval. (Being both desperate and love-struck, they were left especially open to suggestion.) Bill, meanwhile, got the impression that Tawny was talking to himself alone. Georgie coughed, cleared his throat and spoke. “So what do we have to do?”

“Just put on some exercise clothes and show up at the health club,” answered Tawny. “I’ll be looking out for you.” She winked at them, turned, and sashayed out the door.

“Oh boy!” exclaimed Cal. “Did you see that? I’m ready to get in shape!”

“Me too,” added Georgie, thinking Tawny’s wink could only have been for him. “I’m going home and get changed. Meet you at the health club. “ With that, Georgie bolted out, leaving Bill, Cal and his dinner behind.

Cal was torn between finishing his dinner and his determination not to let Georgie get to the health club before him. In the end, his appetite tipped the scales…so to speak. After devouring the last morsel, he lumbered out, leaving Bill to his own devices. You see, Tawny had struck a spark even in Bill’s mind. Forgetting his years (but still holding onto his walker), he sprung sprightly off the barstool to keep his appointment at the health club.

Our three fungi managed to rendezvous at the health club in time to join a set of aerobic exercises in progress. Tawny called the steps: “…and bend…and kick… and feel the BURN!”

Well, they felt something all right. Especially Georgie and Cal, who felt really bad. Bill, meanwhile, was able to pace himself and do a relaxed version of the steps. He didn’t feel the burn at all, but his cohorts started to flag. Cal was breathing hard and droplets trickled down his head. Georgie was coughing and blowing smoke puffs across the room. For sure, neither of them was going to make it, and it was only a matter of which one would collapse first.

But that question was quickly answered. While Georgie still stood, doubled-up, coughing and wheezing heavily, Cal fell over, looking beige and –for all intents and purposes –quite dead. Thinking Cal the more serious case, Tawny knelt down and tried to resuscitate him.

The other aerobics trainees panicked at the sight and vented their opinions. “He’s desiccated! Call the morgue,” or “No, he just needs some water.” Offering the venerable voice of reason, Bill suggested someone call the hospital.

(to be continued…)