FUNGAL FROLIX

by Steve Netzman

In the last episode of Fungal Frolix...

Georgie Geastrum and Calvatia Gigantea had decided to join the army, on the advice of “Straw” Bill Floccopus—a old-time regular at Gus’ Place. They made their way to the recruitment office and signed the usual papers.

Then Sergeant Verpa ushered them through the door to the physical exam room. Back at the front desk a short time later, Georgie and Cal were standing in front of the sergeant’s desk awaiting his return with their papers.

"Do you think we can stay together?" asked Cal, anxiously.

"Don't be such a puffball!" replied Cal irritably, showing some anxiety himself. But then he softened up. "I don't see why we can't stay together. Sergeant Verpa will fix it for us."

Thereupon Sergeant Verpa entered his office with a paper in each hand. Standing behind his desk, he held them up so both enlistees could clearly see the "REJECTED" stamp on their papers.

"There you go, boys. Too good for the army," he snickered sarcastically. "Both of you rejected!"

"There you go, boys. Too good for the army"

Betraying a little resentment, Georgie asked why this was so.

"Let's see, boys." Said Sergeant Verpa scanning one paper, then the other. "It says for you,” holding one paper up to Cal, ”morbid obesity with eating disorder.” “And for you,” holding the other up to Georgie,” diminished breathing capacity due to excess smoking."

"Well, what do we do?" asked Cal timidly.

"If you want my advice, go home, get in shape, them come back and see me again."

Crestfallen, the pair slipped out the door and stepped outside to discuss the situation.

“What do we do now?” asked a bewildered Cal.

“Let’s go back to Gus’ and talk things over. Anyway, you heard what the Sergeant said. We just have to get in shape and he’ll take us back.

So they made their way slowly back to Gus’ Place and parked themselves at the bar. Not unexpectedly, Bill was there but he didn’t seem too interested in how they came out at the recruitment office. Cal ordered some dinner and started talking loudly to Georgie. Bill’s ears perked up.

“So the army rejected you, eh?” Bill interrupted. “Now why was that?”

“We failed our physicals,” offered Cal. They say we’re out of shape.

“Things sure have changed. When I went over they didn’t care too much about what shape you’re in. If you could keep your head above the ground, that was good enough for the army.”

The two boys sat there feeling jealous and maybe a little resentful when Cal’s dinner arrived.

Geogie puffed away as Cal started eating, interrupting his chewing only to ponder out loud, “How are we supposed to get in shape?”

Just then appeared a lovely fruiting body, shapely and tan, coming toward them and waving. “I can show you boys how to get in shape.”

“I can show you boys how to get in shape.”

The boys were smitten. Cal turned to face the voice, still eating all the while. Georgie was puffing away seriously and smoke seemed to be pouring out of his head. Bill cupped ear to listen. He took the initiative and asked, “And just who might you be, Miss?

“I’m Tawny Grisette. “

Bill thought a minute, then asked, “Tammy Wynette? Why I just love your singing!”

Tawny giggled and spoke louder. “No, my name is Tawny Grisette. I’m the aerobics instructor down at the health club.”

(to be continued…)