Volume 30 - Number 4
August 2003
Online Newsletter
Upcoming Extracurricular Activities
THE MADCAP ADVENTURES OF STINKHORN STAN
By Steve Netzman
In the last episode of Madcap Adventures (June 2003), we left Stinkhorn Stan making plans to call on Miss Armillaria Mellea at her home in the Old Oak. Now we find Stan outside the gate of the Mellea household, hoping she would remember him and the fun they had playing hide and seek. (Although it seemed she was doing all the hiding and he all the seeking.)Stan clutched the flowers he brought for her and rang the bell. But it wasn't his intended that answered and opened the gate. It was Father Mellea, who looked grumpy and blurted out. "Are you back again? What do you want now?"
"Why, I've come to see Armillaria," he replied timidly.
"Well she's not home. So get lost!" With that, Mr. Mellea slammed the gate shut and left Stan standing there. He pondered what to do for awhile, then turned around. His legs seemed to have a mind of their own and carried him down to the road going into town.
By the time he got back to town he was pretty tired and dejected, so he sat down on the curb and contemplated his unhappy fate. He didn't have to wait to long before a Sclerodermal cop came over, waving his baton and talking tough.
"Hey you! No loitering allowed. Get going!"
As the song goes, “Nobody knows you when you're down and out.” Stan felt heavy as he picked himself up. Now his legs carried him back to the road going out of town, but in his mind, he thought he couldn't get any lower than this. Even the flies couldn't stand hanging around him and left. (Although to be fair, they may have spotted a better opportunity in the garbage can that tipped over near where he sat.)
He looked a forlorn sight walking past the town limits, when suddenly, near another oak, he heard a faint but discernible voice, "Save me and I'll be you friend." Then he detected a musty, earthy kind of aroma seeming to emanate from the ground. He heard the voice again, "I hear them coming. Lie down and I'll be your friend for life."
Stan did as the voice told him, not considering the possibility that it might be crazy to listen to voices coming from the ground. He even asked the ground a question, "Who are you and what am I saving you from?"
The ground responded softly but briskly, "I'm Trudy Tuber and they're coming to dig me up. Shhh!"
Just then over the hill appeared a dog sniffing the ground and a man holding it on a leash. It was Pierre Porcini and his truffle dog, Tartuffe. The dog seemed confused and Pierre was scolding Tartuffe for leading him astray. "Zut alors, you stupid chien!
There's nothing here but this smelly Stinkhorn!"
Just then, a smile spread over Stan's face as he hugged the ground and fell in love again.
(Oh and by the way, the flies returned and encircled the blissful pair.)